It’s been nearly 3 years since my wife died.  I have been in what I would call a personal morass.  I have seemingly been stuck in one spot…unable to move forward.  I was then blessed with a good job opportunity…but the sacrifice required was immense.  I had to sacrifice my nearly 15 years of self-employment.  This self-employment I had built from nothing up to what it was when I received the job offer.  That was a full stop moment for me.  I had to pray and honestly think about this.  Eventually I knew this was the right choice…but it was a hard one in terms of burning down everything I had built for nearly 2 decades.  The Lord has a habit of doing that…how much do you trust me Christian?  Are you willing to give up something very meaningful to you to trust in me?  That is the overarching theme of the Christian walk.  The job paid well and the benefits were the best I have ever seen…and better than many in my circle have ever seen.  When that employment ended I now had no additional income from the business I burned down and was in an even worse financial prospect going forward.  This time I had no doubts about what to do….I sat and waited on the Lord to guide me.  Eventually it was putting an application on Ziprecruiter…the result was a phone call within about 10 minutes.  Now I once again wait on the Lord to see where I am headed.

The hardest thing to get through has not been the death of my wife itself…but the lingering after effects.  I learned of something called widow’s fog or widow’s brain…and it describes perfectly the issues I personally encounter on a daily basis.  For a while it has bothered me…i began to wonder about my own sanity.  Luckily one of my moms friends lost her husband and she posted about widow’s brain on Facebook.  At least I know this is not a permanent condition..:)

Some sage advice fro my mom:  Think positive thoughts and don’t let any negative thoughts get in your mind. Concentrate on only good news and getting the job. Give it all over to God and just follow HIS path. I know HE is working for you. It is what it is…this could definitely be the door that HE is opening for you. Be thinking about what you are going to say about why you left. As someone who hired and fired that will be a very important answer. As a suggestion, don’t even suggest that it was anyone’s fault at all…you may just say that their was a personality conflict that couldn’t be resolved…which is true and this way they won’t know if you quit or were let go…not a lie, just stating the facts…don’t say any more than you are asked about that is my suggestion. You are definitely well qualified and now all you have to do is pray that God will work with you to take comments and/or suggestions without commenting anything…just remain quiet if necessary. Unfortunately this is not our personalities, but sometimes we have to remain quiet.

A song has been put into my mind that is oddly relevant to my life.  The name of the son is Bridges Burn by needtobreathe.  I heard as the trailing music on Chicago Fire.  There are several poignant statements in this song.  The  lyrics talk about wanting to watch burn all their bridges.  When you are intense mental pain and you feel you cannot stand it..you want to relieve it…somehow.  Ultimately you want there to be some point to your pain..a lesson, an eventual relief, something.  You jsut want it gone..bury it..cover it up…destroy it…something to gain freedom from whatever pain is being felt.  Folks turn to multiple remedies:  Drugs, addiction, isolation, murder, suicide, jsut to name a few.  I am blessed that the Lord has given me what has been called a “bulldog faith” that i simply refuse to let go of.  It has been my lifeline more than once and continues to sustain me.  Multiple times I have hung onto that faith…Jesus is good…He has carried me when I simply could not move anymore.  There is nothing that truly makes life easier…we all have huge trails we face everyday….it is simply how you get through it…without getting permanently stuck…or worse..going down into a pit.  If you are feeling stuck..or worse going into a pit…keep one thing in mind.  Jesus will help you..even when you screw up…and you will…This second pit I am in is one of my own doing because I simply didn’t keep my trap shut.  Jesus has come beside me and is comforting me..but he is also forgiven me for my mistake and has already told me he has something else coming…I know wait to see what my heavenly Father has for me.  it’s time to move forward…:)

The lyrics go as follows:

Da-doo, da-doo, doo doo doo, doo doo
Da-doo, da-doo, doo doo doo, doo doo
Da-doo, da-doo, doo doo doo, doo doo
Da-doo, da-doo, doo doo doo, doo dooIt’s time for moving on
There’s some things you can’t forget
It’s sinking us like a stone
I just wanna bury it

I wanna watch all my bridges burn
Stand in the rain ’til the page is turned
Dance in the light of a lesson learned, lesson learned
I wanna leave everything that hurts
Never go back to the way we were
Set it on fire, baby, watch it burn, watch it burn

Da-doo, da-doo, doo doo doo, doo doo
Da-doo, da-doo, doo doo doo, doo doo

Out into the unknown
We traded in our regrets
Not gonna go alone
‘Cause we’re gonna finish this

I wanna watch all my bridges burn
Stand in the rain ’til the page is turned
Dance in the light of a lesson learned, lesson learned
I wanna leave everything that hurts
Never go back to the way we were
Set it on fire, baby, watch it burn, watch it burn

Burn it all, set me free
And let the smoke blow on out to the sea
I need to find somewhere I can believe
I need to know there’s a chance we can be
Burn it all, set me free
And let the smoke blow on out to the sea
I need to find somewhere I can believe
I need to know there’s a chance we can be

I wanna watch all my bridges burn
Stand in the rain ’til the page is turned
Dance in the light of a lesson learned, lesson learned
I wanna leave everything that hurts
Never go back to the way we were
Set it on fire, baby, watch it burn, watch it burn

Da-doo, da-doo, doo doo doo, doo doo
Da-doo, da-doo, doo doo doo, doo doo
Da-doo, da-doo, doo doo doo, doo doo
Da-doo, da-doo, doo doo doo, doo doo