Monthly Archives:June 2019

One of the many tragedies of the past 4 years has been my inability to find a church home.  it’s been a long time and every church I have tried I do not feel like I belong there(including one i used to attend).  This morning, one of the few men claiming the title of Christian who actually deserve to wear that mantle, sent me the following:

I have a proposal regarding you blessing a church that is very much in need. I know you haven’t attached to a body yet, and one of my churches DESPERATELY needs some good tithing and serving believers to give things a boost. I thought of you and 3 others who have been “displaced” from their long term church homes as possible HUGE blessings to a very needy congregation.

Given my history with modern religion and modern Churchianity, i normally would reject a message like this out of hand…however This person is one I still have immense respect for and therefore i was instantly curious.  My previous main church I was considered a foundational member(whatever that meant as it didn’t mean what I thought it meant).  So now I get this message and my first thought is…Curiosity?  That’s not a William reaction that’s a spirit reaction.  so my reply to this inquiry?

you definitely have me curious…? I was a foundational member @(previous church) and it got me…well you know. I guess the fact that I am at least curious is a good sign?..?

Let’s see where this goes…Jesus is in charge on this one..left to my own devices I would not even explore this…:)

For a very long time…years..after heather died This song really describes how i felt on a daily basis. The only thing i had to keep my sanity whilst I tried to figure out who i was, where i was, how i was going to move forward, and what the F*&^ is next was my extremely close friends, my kids, and most importantly my faith in Jesus.
 
There were many days i didn’t sleep at all. I would lie down, but true sleep was fleeting. I was restless, and rarely truly slept. To have part of yourself ripped away..in 3 days…was traumatic. I still suffer from what is called Widow’s brain. I found a series of articles that describe what I have been experiencing. The symptoms are reduced..but the biggest one that affects me still is i will be talking and I simply freeze. My mind doesn’t go blank..i know what i want to say but the ability to continue has paused. All I can do is wait for it to pass and i will pick up exactly where i left off. It was so severe at one point I couldn’t hold a long conversation with anyone verbally..i would freeze so often I had to walk away. it took years for me to fugue out what was going on..i had seriously considered medical help…i thought maybe i was stroking or something..it got that bad.
 
The only memory hole i have though is a small time when i got put to sleep by my mother in law after having been up for nearly 96 hours straight as heather was slipping away. the other memory gap i have is right after i left the hospital. i do not remember going to the Kia, getting in, driving home, getting out of the kia…going inside…and lying down in bed. I went beyond dark. I did not wake up again until the next day…24 hours..literally. I recall someone finally getting a hold of me on the phone saying they were going to call the police had i not answered…then i have a 3 month gap where it was getting the estate together, burying heather, and getting ready to move on…except..i have very scattered memories of the intervening months.
I could go on and on and on.  Let me give you a few links to look at.
part 1
part 2
part 3
One thing i have figured out..and it’s a back and forth with me.  I do not wish to live out my days alone..but i most assuredly do not want to go through this again.  This part I place firmly in the Lord’s hands.  Left to my own device I would not take an opportunity when presented in this arena.  This one where faith has to prevail.
I think this song would describe a family member of mine who i know, to this day 4 years later, is in that exact same place I was in. I hope one day he can see fit to reach out to me and maybe we can walk down his path together..one soul that was lost to another soul that may not be lost but definitely needs to figure out maybe the other three.  BTW everyone and especially this person(if he gets referred to this post), the biggest thing you have to let go of…is the guilt.  It does nothing but tear at you every single time.  It still haunts me at times…but with the help of the Lord I am moving through it.
 

 
[Intro]
Need a little bit of green
Just to lay my head to sleep
We’ve let each other go
But my mind still intervenes
 
Can’t seem to get you
Out of my mind
Can’t seem to remember
What it’s like to feel fine
 
Need a little bit of green
Just to lay my head to sleep
We’ve let each other go
But my mind still intervenes
 
Can’t seem to get you
Out of my mind
Can’t seem to remember
What it’s like to feel fine
 
[Chorus]
Oh my, oh my
The things this does to me (yup, yup)
Oh my, oh my
Feeling like I can’t breathe
Oh my, oh my
This is a tragedy (yup, yup)
Oh my, oh my
Oh my, oh my
 
[Pre-Chorus]
Head feeling heavy
Haven’t slept in days and days and days
Eyes wide open
This feeling stays it stays it stays
True to this feeling
About these distant ways
Not much of a believer
But this time I pray
 
[Chorus]
Oh my, oh my
The things this does to me (yup, yup)
Oh my, oh my
Feeling like I can’t breathe
Oh my, oh my
This is a tragedy (yup, yup)
Oh my, oh my
Oh my, oh my

What is happening to men these days?  They have been buried/destroyed/maligned by the modern anti-male, militant feminist, SJW culture.  It has led to sad situations,the rise of MGTOW, a subsequent rise is the number of men unwilling to marry or even be in any kind of long term relationship with a woman, sexual misbehavior by women(in the name of “being strong”, and a culture of men’s abuse by women.  Recognize this?  I see it all the time now..and it’s time for it to stop.   This is not accidental…this is a choice or condition brought on by modern parenting.  If folks are truly interested in “social justice” it’s time for the misogyny against men to stop.

This is what modern culture is doing to women, and by extension, men. If you do not want men to checkout on you…do not treat your partner/husband this way. It gets old very quickly. It definitely changed my interactions with just about everyone else from the female gender.  It is infesting my kids and they find out really fast how quickly I will not put up with this nonsense in my house.  Ladies it’s time to throw off modern culture and stop lying to yourself and others with the we do not need a man culture.  Be careful what you wish for…you will get it…and then what?