Category Archive:Faith

i know how I will feel for her…but most importantly I know how she will feel for me.  Her feelings will draw out my instincts to protect and lead the household on the correct path.  The dancing, the closeness..the energies, will be something to behold.  It’s just a matter of time.  The visions that i do see are not detailed..except right now for her hair color…the rest is the feelings…and the dances…:)  i await her with great anticipation….
Tracy Chapman
For My Lover
Two weeks in a Virginia jail
For my lover for my lover
Twenty thousand dollar bail
For my lover for my lover
[Chorus]
And everybody thinks
That I’m the fool
But they don’t get
Any love from you
The things we won’t do for love
I’d climb a mountain if I had to
And risk my life so I could have you
You, you, you…
Everyday I’m psychoanalyzed
For my lover for my lover
They dope me up and I tell them lies
For my lover for my lover
[Chorus]
I follow my heart
And leave my head to ponder
Deep in this love
No man can shake
I follow my heart
And leave my mind to wonder
Is this love worth
The sacrifices I make
Two weeks in a Virginia jail
For my lover for my lover
Twenty thousand dollar bail
For my lover for my lover
Everyday I’m psychoanalyzed
For my lover for my lover
They dope me up and I tell them lies
For my lover for my lover
[Chorus]

Very few will get this picture. Honestly I have not figured out all of the facets that appeal to me..but I know the base levels.

The knight is a dark knight…one who does his battles from behind the scenes….who works in the shadows. The knight has defeated a devil and prays to God in thanks for the ability to defeat the beast. His spirit guide stands beside him on watch for any further threats as the knight prays in silence.

Few people understand I am one of these “Dark Knights”. I do my best work in the background. The Holy Spirit manifests itself in many ways. For me, most often the Holy Spirit is that animal guide….the one who can nudge me when nothing else can. That still companion that is the first hint of trouble or guidance of where you should go. It has taken me many years to find a manifestation(in pictures) that accurately conveys his stance, his color, and his visage. That guide is my wolf as you can see in the picture.

When i was at my lowest pint in life(before I met Heather) I asked the Lord for guidance and the first thing I received was this manifestation of the Holy Spirit in a way that was quite surprising. Over the intervening decades I have grown in relation to the wolf (the Holy spirit) and to the Lord as well.

Some folks who know of my pagan past might be concerned about this being a reference to that life. That is the furthest from the truth. The Lord can and does use many people. Some are beacons of light( Bruce Conley ) (Ginny Mueller ) just to name two. Some are best at prophecy. Some are best at oratory, but there is a group of folks who are called from the background. One of those folks is me. I am not one to be visible most times, I am reserved, cautious, slow to trust, but fiercely loyal once that trust is earned.

 

it’s been a rough past couple almost three weeks here.  The strain is amplified by the fact I have not slept well in weeks.  First it was Chloe getting a cold…that’s minor so I took that in stride.  I still sleep much more lightly when someone in the house isn’t feeling well..but this was not an unable to sleep issue.  Alessa then caught the cold and it triggered her latent Asthma(my term for it).  hers is not the sudden, acute unable to breathe but it sets in gradually over the course of days to weeks.  Only when it gets to the point where she is out of breath going up the stairs does it get noticed….for me I noticed it the night before because she got her Athsma cough(my term again).  This was Friday night…while her breathing wasn’t critical something needed to be done.  Luckily I ALWAYS have some psudeoephidrine based decongestants around(to help with my minor issues..which i have not had in years).  She took one of these every 12 hours until we got the appointment setup.  Luckily the pseduoephedrine stabilized her until Monday morning when I had the appointment setup.  We get to the doctors and yep the cold has triggered her asthma.  She is now back on a nebulizer 5x a day plus she had two other prescriptions.  If i had to pay this out of pocket it would have been north of $1000.  Luckily her mother recently got Alessa on her work insurance..out of pocket was only a couple hundred…which i covered.  Next, once Alessa was under treatment and Chloe was well I thought I could relax a little.  I went downstairs into the basement to run test my oil furnace.  i do this every year to make sure the until is working properly.  I know how it sounds when operating normally and i know how it should feel in terms of the outgoing air.  When i fired it up the flame sounded like a steam engine(Huff huff huff) and i started smelling exhaust.  I immediately forced the system back to heat pump and called for service.  Because we were stil in the temperature range where the heat pump could properly operate I didn’t need service on that Saturday night..so they came on Monday.  For me…knowing I had a potentially deadly furnace downstairs made me uneasy again….but I have another backup in case..some of the rooms in the house have electric baseboard heat.  Monday comes…the technician had to replace the tip and reset the air/feul mixture settings.  Ok…done right?  Nopers.  I then noticed OJ was loosing fur…we got him to the vet and the diagnosis was a flea bite allergy.  How the hell did fleas get in?  So we get the prescriptions from the vet and get OJ and Freya treated…6 hours later Freya has a very bad reaction to the treatment which necessitated an emergency run back to the vet.  It turns out some cats can react badly to the treatment(called revolution)..the reversal is quick and Freya got a bath(much to her displeasure).  IN the course of one day me and my daughter combined spent more than $500 on the animals to keep them safe…now money is at nearly zero for me and zero for her.  I am tired, no exhausted and tonight I cna FINALLY look for a good night’s sleep.  Luckily the Lord has given us some good news…Alessa may have found another job with good pay and reasonable hours.  I have two more big jobs I am working on and my remote gig is going strong.  One thing I never lost was my faith in Jesus and his ability to see me through.  Footprints in the sane…at one point i was so tired I just slept for the day…and nothing bothered me.  I am still tired but now I can sleep well knowing that Jesus saw me through everything and HE is providing for us..as he always does.

 

I posted this here so I could embed this video…I didn’t want to go into Facebook jal; for posting something that is readily available on youtube…:)

 

 

 

For a very long time…years..after heather died This song really describes how i felt on a daily basis. The only thing i had to keep my sanity whilst I tried to figure out who i was, where i was, how i was going to move forward, and what the F*&^ is next was my extremely close friends, my kids, and most importantly my faith in Jesus.
 
There were many days i didn’t sleep at all. I would lie down, but true sleep was fleeting. I was restless, and rarely truly slept. To have part of yourself ripped away..in 3 days…was traumatic. I still suffer from what is called Widow’s brain. I found a series of articles that describe what I have been experiencing. The symptoms are reduced..but the biggest one that affects me still is i will be talking and I simply freeze. My mind doesn’t go blank..i know what i want to say but the ability to continue has paused. All I can do is wait for it to pass and i will pick up exactly where i left off. It was so severe at one point I couldn’t hold a long conversation with anyone verbally..i would freeze so often I had to walk away. it took years for me to fugue out what was going on..i had seriously considered medical help…i thought maybe i was stroking or something..it got that bad.
 
The only memory hole i have though is a small time when i got put to sleep by my mother in law after having been up for nearly 96 hours straight as heather was slipping away. the other memory gap i have is right after i left the hospital. i do not remember going to the Kia, getting in, driving home, getting out of the kia…going inside…and lying down in bed. I went beyond dark. I did not wake up again until the next day…24 hours..literally. I recall someone finally getting a hold of me on the phone saying they were going to call the police had i not answered…then i have a 3 month gap where it was getting the estate together, burying heather, and getting ready to move on…except..i have very scattered memories of the intervening months.
I could go on and on and on.  Let me give you a few links to look at.
part 1
part 2
part 3
One thing i have figured out..and it’s a back and forth with me.  I do not wish to live out my days alone..but i most assuredly do not want to go through this again.  This part I place firmly in the Lord’s hands.  Left to my own device I would not take an opportunity when presented in this arena.  This one where faith has to prevail.
I think this song would describe a family member of mine who i know, to this day 4 years later, is in that exact same place I was in. I hope one day he can see fit to reach out to me and maybe we can walk down his path together..one soul that was lost to another soul that may not be lost but definitely needs to figure out maybe the other three.  BTW everyone and especially this person(if he gets referred to this post), the biggest thing you have to let go of…is the guilt.  It does nothing but tear at you every single time.  It still haunts me at times…but with the help of the Lord I am moving through it.
 

 
[Intro]
Need a little bit of green
Just to lay my head to sleep
We’ve let each other go
But my mind still intervenes
 
Can’t seem to get you
Out of my mind
Can’t seem to remember
What it’s like to feel fine
 
Need a little bit of green
Just to lay my head to sleep
We’ve let each other go
But my mind still intervenes
 
Can’t seem to get you
Out of my mind
Can’t seem to remember
What it’s like to feel fine
 
[Chorus]
Oh my, oh my
The things this does to me (yup, yup)
Oh my, oh my
Feeling like I can’t breathe
Oh my, oh my
This is a tragedy (yup, yup)
Oh my, oh my
Oh my, oh my
 
[Pre-Chorus]
Head feeling heavy
Haven’t slept in days and days and days
Eyes wide open
This feeling stays it stays it stays
True to this feeling
About these distant ways
Not much of a believer
But this time I pray
 
[Chorus]
Oh my, oh my
The things this does to me (yup, yup)
Oh my, oh my
Feeling like I can’t breathe
Oh my, oh my
This is a tragedy (yup, yup)
Oh my, oh my
Oh my, oh my

 

Can a Christian wife withhold sex as a way to change her husband’s bad behavior?

Can sexual refusal be used by a wife to change her husband’s bad behavior? Does God allow sexual refusal as method for addressing wrong behavior on the part of a husband? Can bad behavior on the part of a husband justify a sexless marriage?

I recently received this very heartfelt comment from a Christian wife named Jenn and you can see how much she is hurting as you read this. I would be willing to bet there are many Christian wives that face a very similar scenario. The emotion runs deep in this story, and I think for some valid reasons.

Jenn’s story

“I agree that a sexless marriage is not God’s plan and that both parties should do everything in their power to maintain their physical union and covenant. However, I do not believe it is appropriate to give a blanket statement that denying sex in a marriage is sin. Sometimes, refusing sex becomes necessary as an effort to PRESERVE THE MARRIAGE when the husband repeatedly shrugs off spiritual leadership in the home, ignores the wife’s emotional needs, treats the wife as a roommate, does NOT consistently do the steps you outlined above (going on dates, upgrading around the house, show any type of affection, etc.) leaves ALL THE PARENTING TO THE WIFE, and then just expects to get laid!

Continuing to engage in intercourse under those circumstances is submitting to sexual abuse, even though there is no force or violence involved. Continuing to engage in intercourse for the wife leaves the door open for bitterness and resentment to fester. NO! The wife does NOT want to live in a sexless marriage, but neither does she want to be devalued and violated, either.
Yes, private communication was sought out to correct these issues… as was counseling that went on for 18 months… communication among godly, loving friends. To make matters worse, this person is an elder and a counselor in the church! Is all this grounds for divorce? Most say no. Does one uproot the children because one spouse is spiritually lazy and hypocritical? Difficult call.

Should the pleading spouse continue to allow the husband to treat her this way? Or should she stand her ground that she needs to be valued and cherished? The sexless part is actually the decision of the husband for refusing to correct his behavior out of pride.
So before you heap on condemnation, perhaps you should spend more time encouraging the husbands (or the wives, for that matter) to deeply investigate WHY there is no interest in sex in the first place.”

My response to Jenn and any other Christian wife who finds herself in this situation

I believe it is possible based on Jenn’s statements that her husband is sinning against her by not “knowing her” as the Bible commands him to do:

“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.” – I Peter 3:7(KJV)

I wrote a post a while back entitled “10 ways to know your wife” – and these things are a challenge and admonition to all of us as Christian husbands (including myself). Yes we will fail as husbands and we may not do all these things as we should, but we need to get up each and every day and ask ourselves as men – “Am I communicating with my wife as I should? Do I know her concerns? Am I addressing areas where she needs my help?”

God knows that a wife needs her husband to know her on a spiritual, emotional and physical level. This is why he commanded husbands to dwell with their wives “according to knowledge”. A man cannot know his wife as God would have him to without talking to her, and listening to her on a daily basis.

Sometimes we as Christian husbands can become so wrapped up in our careers, hobbies or even our ministries (as this woman’s husband is a church elder and counselor) that we can become neglectful of the needs of our wives and children. This woman’s story should serve as reminder for each of us as believing husbands to make sure we are knowing our wives as God would have us to.

The second thing that Jenn’s husband might be doing is neglecting to honor his wife. This is a duty that God calls Christian husbands to. He does not appear to be honoring her in her role as his helpmeet. I also wrote a post on this subject entitled “12 Ways to Honor you wife” where I go into detail on how a man can honor his wife.

A big part of honoring one’s wife – is to show her that she is valued and to praise her for her work in the home. It is also about making sure that her children are respectful of her. From what I saw in this woman’s sad account – it appears her husband may not be doing any of this. This story should serve as admonishment to all of us as Christian husbands how it makes our wives feel when we don’t know them(talk to them and listen to them) and when we don’t honor them(value them and praise them).

It appears that if this woman’s account is accurate – her Christian husband has been neglecting many of his duties to her (and perhaps his children as well).

Is withholding sex a tool that God allows a wife to use to change her husband’s behavior?

Jenn as well as many other women (Christian and non-Christian alike) believes that withholding sex is valid and justified tool when a husband is neglecting his duties to her and his children. But as sad as these types of stories are – two wrongs never make a right. God does not allow for sex to be withheld as a tool to modify bad behavior, or to encourage right behavior on the part of a spouse (either the husband or the wife).

“Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.

The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.” – I Corinthians 7:3-4

“Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.” – Ephesians 5:24 (KJV)

The Scriptures are clear in the area of sex that a wife is to willingly give her body to her husband, she does not have the power to deny him or withhold sex from him. The Bible says she is to submit to her husband in “every thing”, and this includes in the area of sexuality.

The only way sex can be halted or denied in marriage is by mutual agreement to do so for a short time. People talk about consent in regards to sex all the time. Biblically speaking sex is only to occur in marriage. But in the context of marriage, consent is about ceasing from having sex for short period (mutually agreeing to not have sex). Consent is not about ALLOWING sex as sex is a duty and responsibility in marriage – it is a central part of the marriage covenant that you freely give your body to your spouse for the purposes of sex.

I have talked in previous posts about a husband having the right to discipline his wife, to motivate her to repent and change her bad behavior. But a husband is never allowed to use sexual denial to his wife as method of discipline. So for instance, if a man’s wife keeps denying him and then eventually she comes to him for sex – he is not allowed to deny her because she previously denied him.

The Bible tells us we should not repay evil for evil:

“Recompense to no man evil for evil..” – Romans 12:17 (KJV)

A wife in the same way is not allowed to deny or withhold sex from her husband in an effort to reform his bad behavior. When a wife withholds sex from her husband because of his bad behavior in other areas – this is a textbook example repaying evil for evil and God will not bless such actions by a wife.

In fact when we look at sex from the wife’s role, this is just one part of her overall submission to her husband. God does not allow a woman to stop submitting to her husband in any area of her life (including sex) in order to reform his bad behavior – except if he asks her to engage in an immoral or sinful activity.

But doesn’t giving a husband sex when he behaves wrongly encourage bad behavior?

Many women ask this question, and I think Jenn is inferring it by her comments above. The answer is that it is never wrong to do what God has commanded, in fact it is ALWAYS right to do what God has commanded. Short of a husband asking his wife to engage in a sinful activity – she is always to submit to him (including submitting her body to him for sex).

The Bible tells us this:

“Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.” – I Peter 3:9 (KJV)

In God’s view if a woman’s husband is treating her sinfully by neglecting his duties to her, she is to repay this evil behavior by blessing him with her continued submission, even in willingly giving her body to him for sex.

I know what I just said sounds CRAZY from a human perspective. But this is God’s way, not man’s way.

I completely realize that Jenn’s head is probably spinning right now and I truly feel for her situation with her husband. If she does not withhold sex, but blesses her husband with her body – freely and willingly won’t this tell him that everything is ok and she is fine with his neglectful behavior?

No – and here is the reason why. Jenn and any other woman can continue to bring her grievances about his neglect of her and her children. Nothing stops her from doing that. I think it would really make a man’s head spin, that his wife brings her grievance before him in a respectful manner in one hour, and later that evening willingly gives herself to him when he initiates sex with no attitude or hesitation. This can be a powerful tool for change in a husband, when he sees that his wife continues to submit to him, even though she has legitimate grievances with him.

Isn’t this abusive behavior?

Jen said this about submitting her husband sexually under these conditions:

“Continuing to engage in intercourse under those circumstances is submitting to sexual abuse, even though there is no force or violence involved.”

This is not sexual abuse for her husband to have sex with her while neglecting her legitimate needs in other areas.

Her husband’s behavior in other areas may definitely be inconsiderate, neglectful and sinful by Biblical standards. But him asking for sex and her yielding to him for sex(regardless of his failings outside the bedroom) is NOT sexual abuse. I have said this in previous articles and I will say it again here. Christian wives need to be very careful of using terms like “abuser”, “rapist” and “molester” when it comes to their sexual relations with their husbands. Unless a husband actually rapes a woman(has forcible sex with a woman he is not married to), touches a person other than his wife in a sexual manner, or actually physically abuses his wife, his children or others these terms have no place in these kinds of discussions.

Let be clear as I always have to be in these posts. If a husband forces himself sexually upon his wife, Biblically speaking this is not rape but it could be abuse. So in that case it might be legitimate to call the husband an abuser, but it would still not be right from a Biblical perspective to call him a rapist.

But based on this story, there does not seem to be any forcible sex going on.

But won’t allowing sex to continue cause bitterness in the wife?

Jenn said this about bitterness:

“Continuing to engage in intercourse for the wife leaves the door open for bitterness and resentment to fester.”

I think we could safely say, and Jenn would probably concede that bitterness toward her husband has definitely “festered” in her heart. God says this about bitterness:

“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice” – Ephesians 4:31

Someone once said of bitterness, “Bitterness is like talking poison when you are mad at someone for wronging you, and then hoping they will die from it”. I have many men write me with bitterness in their hearts towards their wives over their wife’s sexual denial – some say some very hateful things toward them and I have to remind them that they need to let go of that bitterness, that it is a sin against God, their spouse and really their own bodies (because it hurts you when you are bitter).

This same truth would apply to Jenn and other Christian women that are dealing with husbands who are sinning against them by neglecting their duties.

A wife needs to understand the source of her bitterness towards her husband about sex

“Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord: Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled; “ – Hebrews 12:14-15(KJV)

If you don’t understand the root of your bitterness as a Christian wife, then you will never be able to remove it. The reason you grow bitter and resentful toward your husband when he initiates sex is this – you believe he did not earn it.

Let me put this another way. It is very easy for us as men to shut our wives out, to stop talking to our wives when they deny us sexually. It is easy for us to grow bitter and think – “She wants me to sit down and talk with her when every time I go to touch her she tells me “not tonight honey”. But our wives do not have to earn the right to talk to us by having sex with us. Talking to our wives, whether we feel like it or not is a duty of every husband.

In the same way as a Christian wife you must realize the truth that your husband does not have to earn sex with you by talking to you(as he should), honoring you(as he should) and doing other nice things for you. He has a right to sex with you because of the vows you made to him and before God.

When you as a Christian wife let this truth really settle in your heart, then you will find that you are no longer bitter at your husband when he goes to have sex with you – even when he is not doing right in other areas.

Does the husband’s behavior warrant divorce?

A husband being “spiritually lazy and hypocritical” is not grounds for Biblical divorce. Now if a man fails to provide for his wife and children and just sits on a couch all day while they lose their home and starve that may be another issue. But nothing I have seen in this story would allow for Biblical divorce.

A wife is not responsible to discipline her husband

A wife is not Biblically responsible (or allowed) to discipline her husband. The husband is spiritually responsible for his wife and his children and as the head of his wife and his home he has the right to attempt to discipline. As I stated in previous posts when it comes to the wife I don’t believe physical discipline is warranted or prescribed by the Scriptures. But other types of non-physical discipline like taking credit cards away, or stopping household upgrades may be used as discipline.

God does not hold a wife responsible for her husband’s wrong behavior, he only holds her responsible for her own behavior.

A situation like this can be extremely frustrating for a Christian wife, and we can see that all throughout Jenn’s post. But she and any other wives facing this type of situation needs to make sure they take a step back and realize they are not their husband’s mother, they are his wife.

What recourse can a wife take in this situation?

I think we can see that scripturally speaking a wife has no right to discipline her husband for sinful behavior and she does not have the right to stop submitting to him in any area, including in the area of sex because of his sinful behavior. To do so amounts to repaying evil for evil – something that is very plainly condemned in the Scriptures.

But a wife can continue to bring her grievances to her husband in a respectful way. She can ask her husband to attend counseling as this woman did.

But what if the husband never changes his ways?

Jenn would most likely respond to my last comment that “I tried counseling with him for 18 months and nothing changed! He says he will change with the counselor but he comes home and nothing changes!”

Is it possible that even if Jenn repents of her bitterness, and submits herself in all ways(including sexually) to her husband that he will still not change his ways and do what God would have him do as a husband? Unfortunately the answer is yes – he may never change his ways.

Also it can help to realize that you are not the only woman or man that faces these issue of being mistreated by their spouse. I often get emails from Christian husbands asking if they can divorce their wives for less than Biblical reasons.

These are some of the things they ask about:

They ask if they can divorce their wives for belittling them and disrespecting them – the Bible says no.

They ask if they can divorce their wives for going against their wishes and disobeying – the Bible says no.

They ask if their wife is giving them sex, but with a bad attitude and she just lies there like a dead fish can they divorce their wives – the Bible says no.

They ask if their wife is too involved in her career and other activities outside the home can they divorce their wife? Unless their wife is sexually denying them or cheating on them they cannot divorce her for being too involved in her career.

The truth is that we live in a sin cursed world and sometimes people do not submit themselves to God and repent. Sometimes our spouses have horrible attitudes, or they are neglectful of our feelings. Sometimes spouses are extremely selfish.

I believe though in these cases where husbands are not doing what God says they should do for their wives – Christian wives can get through this difficulty by depending on the Lord, and recognizing that their submission to their husband, is really them submitting to God.

“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.” – Ephesians 5:22

So perhaps from a human perspective, your husband has done nothing to earn your submission. But would say you don’t owe God your submission? It is God who is commanding you to submit to your husband.

What Jenn and other Christian wives need to do in this situation

Acknowledge your hurt and your feelings of disappointment with your husband, don’t bury it, don’t repress it. Give it to God, Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.(I Peter 5:7)

Pray and ask God to forgive you for any bitterness you are harboring in your heart toward your husband. Pray that God will strengthen you to be able to submit to and please your husband with a right heart and a right attitude. Pray that God will change your husband’s heart and reveal his sin to him so perhaps he will be the husband that God meant him to be.

Pray that God will continually remind you that your submission to your husband is really submission to God himself.  When you submit to your husband it pleases God, especially when he knows it is hard for you to do it because of your husband’s behavior.

All of us need God each day, we can’t live this Christian life in our own strength.

I have the house to myself for about half the day(until Alessa comes back home) and I finally have some time to relax with some good music. After the emotional storms I have been hit with during the past few months, I have been saying daily to the Lord thank you for my truck…and I am still giddy over how He provided for me to get it. Now that things are feeling more settled(despite the storms raging around me) I can now fully appreciate another gift. Shortly after heather died I had some money and I spent quite a bit on house repairs and the hvac upgrade. I put a little aside for myself and the one thing I purchased was some computer speakers….not just any speakers..but Kplisch THX Promedia 2.1 speakers(i thought about getting two sets for front and rear..but my computer is not near my tv so i decided against it). I had heard the Bose acoustimass 2.1 system for computers but there were a ton of negative remarks about build quality and durability…which surprised me. the Kplisch come from another name with a high pedigree in the audio world so I grabbed them.tonight I sit with a server upgrade going behind me, Some good music, and my own thoughts..when I heard this song come over called Hunting happiness.  I have always been a sonic fan..aka a fan of good sounding audio.  It doesn’t happen much anymore unfortunately with most of our music either slightly compressed(CD audio) or even more compressed(MP3, Ogg Vorbis, etc etc).  Luckily Spotify allows me to run at the highest possible digital compression.(one day I’ll try out Tidal is which lossless compressed music but that discussing is another blog post).  This song came on and it was a nicely done mix with the bass not being so heavy it rattles everything sending me scrambling for my subwoofer’s controls to tone it down.  This mix has a good blend of mid-bass and low end bass.  I heard this sub doing some really low notes I have not heard it doing before.  I snatched up my phone and fired up my Spectroid app to see what kind of tones this system was putting out.  I was quite shocked to hear and see 45 hertz tones not only coming through on the screen but so clearly that it belied the size of the sub that comes with my speakers.  I can tell by listening that i do not have much more in terms of low end capability nor loudness..but at this level it is silky smooth and seems to be coming from behind the exact center of the monitor.  Bass, while TECHNICALLY being non-directional, can be influenced a great deal by placement in your room.  I was pleasantly surprised I have this sub exactly where it needs to be for the clearest sound and the best soundfield.  20 years ago I had a Velodyne subwoofer that was nearly 16 inches in diameter to produce the kind of bass this Promedia system is putting out now.  These speakers will not approach the sound pressure levels of the Velodyne or my old rack audio system i built many years ago but the advances in 20 years of audio technology are impressive..:)  The song I am enjoying as i type this? Hunting happiness.  How many of us get caught up in life  either in purpose or accidently and get intoa rut?  The Lord has a great thing planned for this children…it’s Heaven.  The Lord does not say we will have eternal happiness on this earth…but it’s waht is to come is what we are to look forward to.  I am surrounded by gifts of the Lord…as Thanksgiving approaches..let’s not forget the thank HIM for jsut the fact we are alive at all….but the things of life are nice to have.  It isn’t Christmas time..but it IS time to give thanks.  What have you thanked the Lord for in the past week?…the past three days?…today?  Do not look past today into Christmas as the world would have you do…do not forget everyday is a day to give thanks.  Thanksgiving is the time we should give thanks more than usual.

Hunting Happiness

[Verse 1]
Beautiful lights shine like champions
But I find the fault in the stars
Cause I’m so caught up hunting happiness
That I cannot see it’s hunting me

The moment I start feeling comfortable
I hear a voice in my head
Fast cars paint guides on the pavement
And say “don’t look back, find greener grass”

[Chorus]
The road to paradise is easy to pass
And you’ll never see the sign if you’re moving too fast
I’m so caught up hunting happiness
I move so quickly that it can’t catch me
Ooooooh, ooooh

[Verse 2]
Show me a shot of a miracle
And I’ll find the dirt on the frame
It’s easier chasing a fantasy
Than trusting your heart won’t rip mine apart

[Chorus]
The road to paradise is easy to pass
And you’ll never see the sign if you’re moving too fast
I’m so caught up hunting happiness
I move so quickly that it can’t catch me
Ooooooh, ooooh
Ooooooh, ooooh
Ooooooh, ooooh
Ooooooh, ooooh

[Bridge]
If I could stay still
Just for a minute
I’d find myself in it

If I could see clear
And count all my blessings
Instead of the seconds
Ooohh

[Chours]
The road to paradise is easy to pass
And you’ll never see the sign if you’re moving to fast
Oh, I’m so caught up hunting happiness
I move so quickly that it can’t catch me
Ooooooh, ooooh
Ooooooh, ooooh
Ooooooh, ooooh
Ooooooh, ooooh

I recently bought a newsed(thanks to Chris K..I told him I was stealing this one)…Ford Escape./  I am VERY thankful to the Lord for giving me the means to purchase it and I have noticed something.  In terms of tidiness…i take MUCH better care of the truck than i ever did for my other two vehicles that I basically inherited.  I then came to a startling revelation.  I do not know when, how, or where….but it is time for me to leave the house I am currently living in.  Now i will just wait for the Lord’s guidance on where, when, and how this move is going to happen…and to start seriously preparing for it.

Anytime a title like this gets put online folks are filled with skepticism…it’s understandable, most folks have never truly come face to face with a real demon.  This includes most pastors, faith leaders, etc etc etc.  Demons do exist..not in the Hollywood way but they do exist.  The picture I am going to show you is one that’s been everywhere…but most folks were confused by this person’s appearance.  Normally I would write this off to just a person with a serious narcissistic personality traits….but something stopped me:

For those with the gift of discernment you will instantly “feel” what is going on here.  This person is not acting of his own accord but of the demon that is possessing him.  I personally have had several dealings with demons…back when i was a Druid.  I honestly had no idea what i was doing in the world of the occult at first…once I started attracting and then inviting demons(I never knew they were demons until my reconversion back to Christianity…not Churchianity which is everywhere) did i truly understand what I had gotten myself into.  Demons do not often show themselves this outwardly which is why most times when I see this I write it off as a narcissist…but this time my spirit told me…hold up..you have dealt with this type of entity before.  Do not assume in the future if you see someone act this way that they are possessed…It is rare that demons actually show themselves in this way…but it is striking when they decide to do so….

The job hunt has turned into a great pit of nothingness.  Usually when i hit this it means it is time to change direction…and so I have gone back into self-employment full time.  I have a new plan and a good core of clients that stuck with me during my trip into the corporate world.  I am now looking to rebuild things.  I will go down this road until I am presented with yet another direction from the Lord..:)

It’s been nearly 3 years since my wife died.  I have been in what I would call a personal morass.  I have seemingly been stuck in one spot…unable to move forward.  I was then blessed with a good job opportunity…but the sacrifice required was immense.  I had to sacrifice my nearly 15 years of self-employment.  This self-employment I had built from nothing up to what it was when I received the job offer.  That was a full stop moment for me.  I had to pray and honestly think about this.  Eventually I knew this was the right choice…but it was a hard one in terms of burning down everything I had built for nearly 2 decades.  The Lord has a habit of doing that…how much do you trust me Christian?  Are you willing to give up something very meaningful to you to trust in me?  That is the overarching theme of the Christian walk.  The job paid well and the benefits were the best I have ever seen…and better than many in my circle have ever seen.  When that employment ended I now had no additional income from the business I burned down and was in an even worse financial prospect going forward.  This time I had no doubts about what to do….I sat and waited on the Lord to guide me.  Eventually it was putting an application on Ziprecruiter…the result was a phone call within about 10 minutes.  Now I once again wait on the Lord to see where I am headed.

The hardest thing to get through has not been the death of my wife itself…but the lingering after effects.  I learned of something called widow’s fog or widow’s brain…and it describes perfectly the issues I personally encounter on a daily basis.  For a while it has bothered me…i began to wonder about my own sanity.  Luckily one of my moms friends lost her husband and she posted about widow’s brain on Facebook.  At least I know this is not a permanent condition..:)

Some sage advice fro my mom:  Think positive thoughts and don’t let any negative thoughts get in your mind. Concentrate on only good news and getting the job. Give it all over to God and just follow HIS path. I know HE is working for you. It is what it is…this could definitely be the door that HE is opening for you. Be thinking about what you are going to say about why you left. As someone who hired and fired that will be a very important answer. As a suggestion, don’t even suggest that it was anyone’s fault at all…you may just say that their was a personality conflict that couldn’t be resolved…which is true and this way they won’t know if you quit or were let go…not a lie, just stating the facts…don’t say any more than you are asked about that is my suggestion. You are definitely well qualified and now all you have to do is pray that God will work with you to take comments and/or suggestions without commenting anything…just remain quiet if necessary. Unfortunately this is not our personalities, but sometimes we have to remain quiet.

A song has been put into my mind that is oddly relevant to my life.  The name of the son is Bridges Burn by needtobreathe.  I heard as the trailing music on Chicago Fire.  There are several poignant statements in this song.  The  lyrics talk about wanting to watch burn all their bridges.  When you are intense mental pain and you feel you cannot stand it..you want to relieve it…somehow.  Ultimately you want there to be some point to your pain..a lesson, an eventual relief, something.  You jsut want it gone..bury it..cover it up…destroy it…something to gain freedom from whatever pain is being felt.  Folks turn to multiple remedies:  Drugs, addiction, isolation, murder, suicide, jsut to name a few.  I am blessed that the Lord has given me what has been called a “bulldog faith” that i simply refuse to let go of.  It has been my lifeline more than once and continues to sustain me.  Multiple times I have hung onto that faith…Jesus is good…He has carried me when I simply could not move anymore.  There is nothing that truly makes life easier…we all have huge trails we face everyday….it is simply how you get through it…without getting permanently stuck…or worse..going down into a pit.  If you are feeling stuck..or worse going into a pit…keep one thing in mind.  Jesus will help you..even when you screw up…and you will…This second pit I am in is one of my own doing because I simply didn’t keep my trap shut.  Jesus has come beside me and is comforting me..but he is also forgiven me for my mistake and has already told me he has something else coming…I know wait to see what my heavenly Father has for me.  it’s time to move forward…:)

The lyrics go as follows:

Da-doo, da-doo, doo doo doo, doo doo
Da-doo, da-doo, doo doo doo, doo doo
Da-doo, da-doo, doo doo doo, doo doo
Da-doo, da-doo, doo doo doo, doo dooIt’s time for moving on
There’s some things you can’t forget
It’s sinking us like a stone
I just wanna bury it

I wanna watch all my bridges burn
Stand in the rain ’til the page is turned
Dance in the light of a lesson learned, lesson learned
I wanna leave everything that hurts
Never go back to the way we were
Set it on fire, baby, watch it burn, watch it burn

Da-doo, da-doo, doo doo doo, doo doo
Da-doo, da-doo, doo doo doo, doo doo

Out into the unknown
We traded in our regrets
Not gonna go alone
‘Cause we’re gonna finish this

I wanna watch all my bridges burn
Stand in the rain ’til the page is turned
Dance in the light of a lesson learned, lesson learned
I wanna leave everything that hurts
Never go back to the way we were
Set it on fire, baby, watch it burn, watch it burn

Burn it all, set me free
And let the smoke blow on out to the sea
I need to find somewhere I can believe
I need to know there’s a chance we can be
Burn it all, set me free
And let the smoke blow on out to the sea
I need to find somewhere I can believe
I need to know there’s a chance we can be

I wanna watch all my bridges burn
Stand in the rain ’til the page is turned
Dance in the light of a lesson learned, lesson learned
I wanna leave everything that hurts
Never go back to the way we were
Set it on fire, baby, watch it burn, watch it burn

Da-doo, da-doo, doo doo doo, doo doo
Da-doo, da-doo, doo doo doo, doo doo
Da-doo, da-doo, doo doo doo, doo doo
Da-doo, da-doo, doo doo doo, doo doo

God is good.  I got my first paycheck from my new job and it alone is almost what i normally make in one month.  I started the day with $1995 in my account and as i walk in the door this evening i have…$523 left.  The vast majority of that is bills that have been left to wait as I didn’t have the funds to pay them off.  Now they are paid…we have everything we need food and grocery wise..and i have money in the bank left over that only has to last for two weeks before I get more funds in.  My eldest is freaking out because we usually have to make that money last the rest of an entire month.  For the first time in literally years we could actually afford to buy a month’s worth of everything we need.  Between the cat supplies and the groceries we spent $540.  Now by raw numbers I could have cut a hundred or so off of that..but that would have been getting everything at Walmart and Costco.  The intangibles that most folks do not see are the amount of time it takes to drive to Frederick, the time spent in the zoos of Costco and Walmart..and the trip back home..plus the fuel.  My time is worth  at a minimum of 36 bucks an hour.   It is about 1 hour of travel time, more than 2 hours in Walmart and then 2 hours in Costco.  That alone is $180 dollars.  I usually burn 10 bucks worth of fuel..so $190 bucks.  This does not take into account the wear items on the car that have these miles put on them or the oil changes…etc etc etc.  I am just doing the most obvious one that folks see..time and fuel.  We usually spend around $350 at Costco and Walmart combined.  In total it is $350 + 180 = $530.  I spent 10 more dollars this month than I normally would shopping in Frederick.  We are not totally familiar with Weiss yet..once we are that $10 expense will go down to a negative number and then we are saving money.  In this case folks…shopping locally does save you money as long as you take proper accounting of the intangibles.

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I have been doing a fair amount of commenting on Facebook.  However this post needs more formatting control than what i can do on Facebook easily.

I am not a total MGTOW type but I can see some of their points.  There lies fault on both sides in the current male and anti-male conflict going on.  The death of my wife has forced me to look at myself, about my shortcomings, and examine some of my beliefs but mostly reaffirm beliefs I have always held but laid dormant for decades.

this is an interesting debate: https://spawnyspace.wordpress.com/2017/09/20/unshakable-belief/

One excerpt I am posting here:

And there is something else here as well – I have nothing to back this up except my gut – but I suspect a subversive ‘fake it til you make it’ dynamic would also come into play here. Long a mantra men new to Game, it think it would also act on women, but less consciously; for I suspect it is hard to fake femininity for any length of time without actually becoming feminine. Just about all women have the true feminine inside them – and faking it would inevitably tap into it. I suspect that once they see the power of their femininity (and make no mistake, femininity and submission ARE female power, in relation to men) many would continue down the road to authenticity. Just like men, many women too have never experienced true femininity.

Since men have checked out..from my generation to the current generation mentioned about, women are beginning to realize(again) that this ultra militant anti-male propaganda has taken their choice of truly mate-worthy men away. How do they find them now? They get em young..like 18 or even younger…when they can be shaped and molded(or so they think) into their vision of “perfect men”. However since women who are now acting with some sense of true feminism…laced with heavy doses of desperation…think they can mold these young boys into their version of men…but they inevitably get outed because young men and boys are braggarts…always have been..and no amount of anti-male ideology is going to change that.  Be careful what you wish for ladies.

The paragraph above is very revealing for the enormous spike in male pedophilia. Because women are screaming various anti-male slogans, using the state to brand men rapists, deadbeats, among other things(even moreso if you are white..and State forbid if you are Christian…and GOD forbid if you aren’t a Churchian)…and using the power of the gov’t to make it financially, mentally, and emotionally uneconomical to bother with women they have gone to things they can find that are “good enough”. What many anti-males do not understand is men do not desire perfection..good enough is just that…good enough. If there are no other options available we will check out and be perfectly fine with “good enough”.  Men will always be on the lookout for something better but it will be evaluated thoroughly, over a long time, and be looked at with abject and open skepticism until it is proven to be better than what is available. That can be years, decades, or even a lifetime in the making.  For some men the thought…or the reality of being alone without a mate leads to the same destructive desperation that has led to the rapid rise in male pedophilia.  Whereas women are emotional, and often mercurial creatures; men are much more logical, long term thinking, and objective. There are exceptions of course…and those exceptions are what make things interesting.(Of course there are those in both genders that are jsut mentally ill in whatever way..this post is about rational folks).

My take on things? Defcon 2 right now. I am on the lookout for future disturbances and doing my best to build up myself to be self-sustaining….if that means having to work two jobs(my business and another job…or taking a full time job long enough to get 100% out of debt and then get back into self-employment) so be it. The more i dig into things the more my radars go off and the more cautious i get in terms of my long term viability. I have two kids to provide for…the gov’t is NOT a viable long term solution(never has been actually)..and so far i have been able to stay off the gov’t welfare teat.  Due to many factors I am only concerned with getting my girls onward in life ready for things to come.  I cannot give them everything but they will have the benefit of my life experiences(which is much more vast than many folks realize).  Conceited?  You can call it that…but i know what i know.  Those few that have taken the time to REALLY get to know me(and there are very very few) know i say this with confidence..not false pride.  Divine intervention will be required for me to deviate from my singular course of action(in terms of relationships with the fairer sex) or most churches for that matter.  I have not lost my faith in Jesus.  To the contrary, it has been immensely strengthened.  My biggest hurts, most vicious attacks, and biggest problems have been from, plotted by, and carried out by Churchians masquerading as Christians.  Real Christians are few and far between.  To the few I actually respect, keep up the good work in your own way.

 

I have been asked what I was feeling right after Heather died.  The days immediately after her death I do not remember much. I literally slept nearly 24 hours the morning I somehow drove myself home and then collapsed on my bed with no concern about anything else. The next month is a blur as well. Over the intervening 24 months I still struggled with recalling my feelings..or if I had any. Now it’s just over two years from her death and I heard one song that describes how I felt pretty well.
I have also been asked after the obvious trauma that put me through, how have I moved forward?  One name is all you need to know.  Jesus Christ.   I can tell you this…if I did not have my Jesus in my life I am not sure I would have been able to move forward in the timeframe I have.  I still have my nights where I break down.  There are some days I just fall apart.  While I try to not let my girls see me lose control there are some days I cannot help it.  The number of days I break down either in private or in eyesight of my girls are decreasing…but I am not sure it will ever cease.  What I do know is that with Jesus at my side and as my guide I will make it through this life.
 
Karmina
All the Kings Horses
 
I knock the ice from my bones
Try not to feel the cold
Caught in the thought of that time
When everything was fine, everything was mine
Everything was fine, everything was mine
 
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put me back together again
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put me back together again
 
Run with my hands on my eyes
Blind, but I’m still alive
Free to go back on my own
But is it still a home when you’re all alone
Is it still a home when you’re all alone
 
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put me back together again
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put me back together again
 
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put me back together again
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put me back together again
 
There is a reason I’m still standing
I never knew if I’d be landing
And I will run fast, outlast
Everyone that said no…
 
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put me back together again
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put me back together again
 
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put me back together again
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put me back together again